CRIDLER.COM
SAP Experts - Established October 2003
07793 06 07 06
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CRIDLER.COM SAP Experts - Established October 2003 07793 06 07 06
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Please E-Mail : Chris@CRIDLER.com 07793 06 07 06
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NEVER MIND WARNE’Y HERE COME THE ASHES Where’s me washboard Summer special update If found please return to its proper owner He’s gone you know. “Well if you speak to me like that again I will sack you”, F*** off and sack me then you tosspot. “You can’t talk to me like that” oh piss off then, I’m off, I have a call to make to Peely then I am off. And that was that as Sell By fled this ailing country to take up the pleasures of Malaysia. But what has he missed? The Ramsgate quads really do have a directional problem with travel throughout the British Isles. Setting the scene and yes its football, England v Azer in Newcastle. Directional value and difficulty 3 on the scale of ten. Enter the quads with travel arrangements that would make any travel programme proud of the fact that they made the most of something relatively minute. You see as the atlas of this great country clearly shows there are direct routes from the south to the north, I said the north i.e. Newcastle served by an airport just outside Durham. So a flight from Ramsgate to Durham would suffice. However have you heard of the travel arrangements that take you to a different country i.e. Scotland. Yes you have it; they flew from Ramsgate to Scotland to get to Newcastle. Please forward all comments to the travel bureau in Kent for a laugh. Unless it had escaped everyone the Ashes are now reaching their zenith. A debark at Lords where we were totally outplayed has been replaced with the sort of “bollocks we are going to stand up to you” attitude that makes one feel rather proud. The Edgbaston test was, as the historical records will show, one of the if not the best test match ever. That Doyen of Cricket RITCHIE lamented that this was the case. Maslan the proverbial travel agent and I. Interdispersed enjoyed two full days on Thursday/Friday with a fine session of alcohol drinking. The plan was to drink 4 pints per session. Four pints of crude Carling at £3.00/pint. Mission accomplished we then retired to the Walkabout bar in Brum to meet up with our counterparts the BA. But please, selling song sheets, T-Shirts on the pavement on the first day, without permission is rather galling. Still the outcome of the match was by far the most important issue, a tense finale and finally parity with the Fanatics. Now where and how long have the Aussies been thinking about that one? True to form the Aussies DON’T LIKE IT UP UM, winging moaning, blaming the colour of the grass, well convicts, you have had it all your way for too long. You have bullied teams into submission, set up records and become cocky with it, and as for the convicts well what a bunch of no hopers, I just wish Sell By were here to record his observations on them. Old Trafford. Usually the dearth of English Cricket. The only thing that saved the Aussies was the good old British weather. An absorbing test match full of everything that is right with test cricket to the purist, except that some bastard in the administration decided to sell the £10.00 tickets prior to priority ticket holders receiving their tickets. Please please where is the fairness when you buy tickets for the first four days at considerable cost only to find yourself unable to get a ticket for the last day. Yes I know it’s the Ashes, but usually buying a ticket for Sat/Sun allowed free entry on the Monday, Yes I know it’s the Ashes, but please come on, stuck at the ground all Saturday drinking absolute garbage at £3.00/pint, hotel accom, nights out, nosh etc etc. Yes I know it’s the Ashes but being told at the end of Sundays play that I was guaranteed a ticket and to turn up at turnstile numbered something or another with your ticket stubs would guarantee. A great day was had by the Navy, cavorting our range of songs which surprisingly is a little more in number than our counterparts the BA, strange that?????????? And not a song sheet in site. Oh and by the way we raised a decent sum for the rebuilding of the Galle cricket ground in Sri Lanka where as we all know, we were formed. God that’s a long time now. Thanks Crids for your efforts on this one, some really do appreciate your time and effort <ED: A Pleasure>. Oh and by the way the Geordies got blasted, no surprise there, Russell the extending rod from Thailand visited us all and Toby finally found his way back to the UK. But there are actions that stand out which to anybody listening, will not sound funny, but for those who returned to the local bars on Sunday night and the sing song on the metro link will go down in history as one of the funniest things I have taken part in, as well as the locals, long live Homeward Bound To no avail, the local public house The Swan at Frankwell Shrewsbury took in this rather irate subject and filled him with the necessary beers that were required to make one a little happier. Trent Bridge. In my mind where we should have won those bloody Ashes. Four hardened days of memorable cricket, a result to die for and the method with which our lads really in my mind showed the Aussies what we are really about. Yes I know it’s the Ashes, but THEY DO NOT LIKE IT UP UM. Ponting fined 75% of his match fee (£7.40p - <ED:he can buy a cap with that> ) And now the end is nigh, its all off to The Oval for more £3.00/pint drinking stupidity, tears, joy, yes I know it’s the Ashes, but please let it rain for five days. My apologies for not updating sooner but I have a new focus on life, it’s to beat the Aussies, but then again it’s only the Ashes. Speak to you all after the final test And finally, did anyone spot a pony-tailed drunk accompanied by a surveyor on the Saturday of the Edgbaston test, if so please let me know. Were not the Army……………………………….. Lord Peely Ps the picture is of my Nephew Chris Peel, the next KP, places in the exec box now up for grabs
And why not finish on some prose... Goodbye
to my English-so long my old friend
SA Update below...
NEVER MIND POLLOCK HERE COMES THE BOLLOCKS Where’s me washboard SA update If found please return to its proper owner January 2005 Jimmy Jimmy give us a song, Jimmy give us a song. He’s only got one song; He’s only got one song. Nkosi sikelel’iAfrika Maluphakanyisw’ uphondo Iwaya, Yizwa imithandazo yethu, Nkosi sikelela, thina lusapho Iwayo.
Morena boloka setjhaba sa heso, O fedise dintwa la mathshwenyeho, O se boloke, O se boloke setjhaba sa heso, Setjhaba sa South Africa – South Africa
Uit die blou van onse hemel, Uit die diepte van ons see, Oor ons ewige gebergtes, Waar die kranse antwoord gee. Hope springs eternal as regards Who Paid my airfare Jimmy????? Thank you South Africa for an adventure we will never forget. Even members of the Army were accommodating. Our thanks to Big Harvey at Cape Town and the usual suspects at Durban. The majority of the Army are fine but oh me they have spun a story for all to hear about the Navy. But alas more of this later in the piece. Firstly, after several text and email messages, we finally found out that our Ramsgate quads are all safe and well after the terrible events of Boxing Day. They have contacted us to say that although they were in the area fortunately they were not effected by these events I cannot at this moment in time write down the comments of one army member who was talking to Cridler in reference to our Ramsgate Quads. Needless to say these comments are going to be passed on to not only the Quads but also Leafy and Katy, I am sure they will be most interested in weeding out these less than popular individuals. If we cast our minds back to last winter, you will all know by now that the hotels we stayed in Galle have been completely flattened. I praise the Army for arranging a night out at Joe Kools after the last day of play in Durban, credit where it is due, well done, with all managing to raise vital funds for the Tsunami victims and their families. But where to start, 125 dig pics later, bank account seriously over loaded to the tune of approx £ 300.00 spends. Yes I did say £ 300.00 spends. 10 rand to the pound, god that song is laborious, rendered the holiday for all out there extremely cheap. December. The wind and rain are blowing all over the UK, Its time to fly out thank god!! On arrival at Cape Town, the first siting of the mountain is awe-inspiring, even at night, which I think it is at its best under the lights. A very short initial stay in CT with a drunken visit to Kennedy’s on Long Street, where we bumped into Max Collie and the Rhythm aces, well after my first few Castle weak as weasel piss lager, I though it was, even managed to buy the lead singer a drink. A few hours sleep because we had lapsed into Christmas Day, up and breakfasted only to find myself directed to the bar at 11.00hrs by Faisel, a rather large Africaan gent and a most accommodating bar man, I’ll mention Tyrell the bonkerooney barman later on in dispatches. At the bar a usual suspect, Paul the educated Rita from Stone, which was quite apt really because he was always stoned, who unwittingly glanced at me and said “your from England aren’t you” Queens English at its best, step forward one of the stars of our stay in CT. The wily old Lawyer from the Midlands, touring for the first time in ten years because his wife said so??, Proceeding to drink with a man of the law is somewhat disturbing, hence the large quantity of Bucks Fizz drunk, plus the reliable pint of Expresso. Please feel free to look for a taxi driver wearing prescription sunglasses. So off to Durban for the second test. Xmas dinner in the airport at CT, a lavish gourmet delight of cheese omelette and chips, no gout here. Oh and a weasel strength Castle just for good measure. Durban Durban. Umplangi Rocks Oyster Box hotel. Recommend it 100%, lovely beaches, good people and safe at night. Quite by chance I bumped into some Zimbo’s in the Pukka bar. Great people, friendly, helpful and good drinkers. Very good drinkers, incredible drinkers. They were fascinated with my appearance after a days play, bedraggled, pissed, sun burnt and still ready for more. They told me stories of their land being taken away without any questions asked etc and no recourse. They had seen it coming and had got out before being imprisoned and beaten etc. Nice chap that Mugabe fellow. They even laundered our flag free of charge. The many nights we spent drinking and reminiscing on the cricket and life in general will live long in my memory. I even invited the Cridler clan for a night out in the bar and restaurant. They will agree with me that these people are the salt of the earth, good people and to you all I say thank you for your hospitality and friendship. We will return one day to the Oyster Box. But wasn’t Durban hot?? Thanks to two Geordies we met on the first day who helped me unfurl our flag and put it up. Because of the Shropshire Lad logo it attracted quite a few fellow Shropshire Lads all of which were strong in the arm and thick in the head, thank you Mr Houseman. Bloody hard work Durban, the cricket was brilliant, what a change in the game as it ebbed and flowed to and fro for the duration, good bowling, great batting and piss poor umpiring as regards the bain of cricket to come, Bad Bad Bad light, bag of Shite. The introduction of floodlights to the game has in my humble opinion thrown the bad light situation into no mans land. To be fair the umpires have a hard enough job thanks to technology but to expect continuity with the bad light scenario is simply asking too much. Is my fee to be retained ala Mr Vaughan? BAD BAD BAD LIGHT, BAG OF SHITE. We decided during the test match to visit the Castle stand on the opposite bank to the BA. Great fun and really nice people. Accommodating and fun to be with, the banter was fantastic with not a hint of malice. We were attracting locals who were intrigued with the Wavey Navy flag, so much so as the pictures so the musician that played during the breaks agreed to have the Wavey Navy flag put up behind him whilst he played. Strange that we noticed one or two casual visitors to this section of the ground taking in the scene. I wonder who they were. It was then that two ladies came over to us and wanted a photo with the big Shropshire Lad flag. Ok no problems but there were several other Afrikaans willing to have their photo taken against the backdrop of the flag. It was puzzling as to why?? So I had to ask. The reason for the interest, The word PEEL in Afrikaans means……………..Big Cock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you ladies????????????????! Quite apt again really but I won’t diverse any further!!!! Well they then proceeded to wrap the owner up in the flag to prevent him from continually saying to the locals “learn the rules and you boys are taking one hell of a beating” And so they should have been but for the Bad Bad Bad light bag of shite scenario. So onto CT. But not after libating seriously with my newly found Zimbo friends. Have you ever had oysters in a glass?? Try them. New Years eve travelling the local Kalula internal airline, “please be careful upon opening the over head lockers as items may fall from the locker onto your fellow passenger resulting in a mammoth claim for damages” please refresh your memory as regards the in flight safety rules by reading the card inserted in your seat pocket, after which you may use this as a fan” True, the air hostess actually came out with these comments on the flight via PE to CT. Now in the mood for my gala dinner with guest speaker and meeting up with the Canadian representative from the UK. Guest speaker, you must be joking, although we did have for our tables pleasure the most boring gnome from Macclesfield that the North has ever seen. Talk about hanging on, we couldn’t get rid of him. Even an after dinner stroll to Long Street could not dislodge the gnome. Trying to talk to him was an operation within itself, still the Canadian rep made sure that we still had a goodnight. Mr Cardiff, please tell me the Pontypool front row, one still missing after a few days trying to find out who it was. Big Bobby Windsor was the answer, of course. Mr Cardiff a gentleman and a scholar. Thank you for your long strained drinking hours at the bar. New Year, Newlands. A ground to behold any cricket lover. The ground as you all know is adorned under the Table Mountain and also adorned by Castle brewery. The first day was packed hot and good fun. Please sir you cannot take in your aerosol sun tan spray it represents a safety hazard, as a huge Africaan takes in a gas bottle for his Braai. It was obvious from the onset that this test match would represent problems for England, mainly I think because of the debark at Durban. What has the Canadian flag got to do with cricket in South Africa? How many times were we asked this? The truth of the matter lies in that we decided to take the flag for a laugh and how it worked, it now adorns the Fireman’s Arms Cape Town where it was duly signed and mounted on their wall of flags. Did you notice the South African desire to have flags on the ceilings of bars etc? As a deal with the landlord one of the drivers was taxiing various England players of old around CT, where he got his hands on a limited edition hand painted scene of Newlands, duly signed by the artist and Michael Vaughan. Guess where it is now??? On a wall in Shropshire Lovely jubbly. The match was entering defeat territory so we decided to take in the Winelands tour, bad news for Cridler because of the gang he met with. Much to everyone’s surprise Cat and Crids could not make the nights entertainment, I wonder why you drunken bum. Robben Island and Nelson somebody, a safari to Aquila although having suffered with a drunken haze throughout days one two and three I recoiled to sleep for two whole days and miss the safari completely. However to compensate, drinking Champagne on top of Table Mountain beats the bloody lot. We watched the final embers of the test match from the top of the mountain. There were many highlights as shown by the pics etc. Speaking to Shaun Pollock, Graeme Smith and Jacques Kallis, my hero Beefy at Durban and AD in Cape Town. As for Bumble he still remains one of the funniest men on the TV. But what of the story mentioned in the first paragraphs. Cridler was acting under cover, he came to chat with a staunch BA member, we know his name but will not reveal it until we have passed it onto the Ramsgate quads, remember them in Kandy, I think you do. So the Wavey Navy are an off shoot of the Army, they are bank rolled by the BA and the BA orchestrated all of the songs. Truth, Cridler was gob smacked, and Cat Gav and Reg also witnessed this so it’s not made up, although the content of the statement seems to have a place in cuckoo land. So there we have the bare bones of our African adventure. Meeting up with Gunner Neil next week in Birmingham. We have decided to examine the qualities of the local wine i.e. South African, Aussie and French, well who’s heard of Pinotage Birmingham. Speak to you all next month where it is hoped that the web page will be suitably revamped with other news items prevalent on my page that is if I can get hold of Crids. Lord Peely |
