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SAP Experts - Established October 2003
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CRIDLER.COM SAP Experts - Established October 2003 07793 06 07 06
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Please E-Mail : Chris@CRIDLER.com 07793 06 07 06
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Where’s me washboard
monthly update
If found please return to its proper owner October/November/December 2004. I have given Sell By three months notice to find this bloody article once and fore all Our congratulations to our man in Thailand big Russ who is getting married very shortly. The Ramsgate quads are going over there to represent the Navy in the rod extending competition, which has its first round in Pattaya and the final round at the local doctors. I have combined three months worth of this tripe because of my current workload, buying my ground tickets for SA, arranging internal flights, arranging New Years Dinner etc. We have been in contact with some local SA papers advising them that the Navy will be in town and will openly welcome any Dutch Africaaaaaaaans who wish to join our elite band for the test series. You see I detect a current of ill feeling in the Army. Sources close to me have indicated not all is well in the camp, we shall not ponder on this point or even mention it in the washboard update said Jeffrey Archer our new advisor. Mark Boucher had requested the use of the said instrument to solve a problem he has. Does he tour India in November or not. Apparently not, his excuse,” I don’t want to get arrested over the betting scam a couple of years ago”. Is that not an acceptance of guilt? Surely the SA cricket authorities must look further into this comment. In relation to that Nicky Boye is now under investigation for assisting in the said betting scam Back to Boucher who commented in a national newspaper that he was and I quote “getting ready for the English” see what I mean by double standards. Does this mean that a betting scam is already in place and waiting to be implemented when the England team play out. Or is it another complicated yet clever rouse to excuse guilt when England win the series?? The South African psyche is a messy mother of one to understand. They really want their cake etc. It’s a shame because as we all know they have had genuine cricketers of truly world status starting with Shaun’s relative Graeme. Moving through to Rice, Proctor, De Villiers, Hudson, McMillan, Donald, Cullinan, and Kirsten. But it’s the silly season at the moment and as is the norm I have decided to delve into the historical records of years gone by and hand picked certain events that came to the attention of the world as large. Not necessarily cricket authenticated but a blasé look at world events before talking about Hannibal Lector. 1979 Airey Neave was reprimanded by the Sergeant at Arms at the Palace of Westminster for parking on a bomb? He was fined £ 25.00 for his endeavours 1980 Butlin dies at the Skegness branch of Butlins and takes first prize in the Nobbly corpse competition. Jeffery Archer claims to have written all the lyrics for Fleetwood Mac, but anonymously for tax reasons. Cricket headline. The Batsman’s holding the bowlers knob in his mouth and sucking the living daylights out of his willy. Brian Johnson third test at Lords 1981 Peter Sutcliffe won Pipe smoker of the year. In the FA Cup final of that year Ricki Villa scores what is later regarded as the most Argentinean cup final goal of all time, leading inevitably and sadly to the Falklands conflict Neil Armstrong is still the first man on the moon. NASA Chiefs declare that this record may remain unbroken for some time. 1982 Homosexuals break into the Oxford Dictionary central office and steal the word GAY from the said dictionary. Police issue a description of the word GAY as three letters long, with a vowel in the middle. Leonid Brezhnev dies. The Autopsy reveals a series of progressively smaller men who plan to rule Russia forever. We lost Arthur Askey in this year, our proverbial cheeky chappie. Wonder if he knows that he spurned the washboard??????????? 1983 Korean Foreign minister LEE BUM SUKS name causes uproar in playgrounds all over the UK. Jeffery Archer hits the headlines claiming to be the worlds tallest man, but is too busy to get measured officially. Quote of the year. Be vewwy vewwy quiet my children, I’m hunting wabbits. Pope John Paul II addressing a crowd in Katowice Poland. 1984 Tommy Cooper brings the curtain down on his career with his famous, Comedian, Coffin, Coffin, Comedian routine. Prince Charles celebrates the birth of his second legitimate son Harry. Who shares his father’s distinctive ginger hair and small ears? TV Times readers vote Norman Tebbit getting stretchered out of his hotel bedroom in his jim jams, funniest TV moment of the year. 1985 Mikhail Gorbachev gets power in Russia and proposes a sweeping programme of reforms, including the introduction of colour and flavour to food. Gary Kasparov wins the World Chess championship with the word “checkmate” on a triple word score. Quote of the year. Sex, I’d rather dress as an androgynous pop sensation and have a string of top ten hits. Now pour that cup of tea up my arse. Boy George. 1986 The Sun publishes a withdrawal of its claim that the Challenger disaster astronauts were pissing on each other as they blew up. Its sales figures in space have been severely affected. Jeffrey Archer claims to have won the FA Cup at this years Commonwealth Games with a personal best throw. Sadly no footage exists said Jeffrey. God claims that the disaster in Chernobyl “was nothing to do with me” it was the hand of Maradona??????? The Berlin wall collapses due to subsidence and has to be re built in time for its real collapse in 1989. 1987 Ranulph Twistlehome Wickham Ffiennes loses a name to frost bite while trying to slide to the North Pole on his stomach. Trapped by bad weather, he is forced to saw it off himself and carry on his epic journey double barrelled. Oh and Coventry won the FA Cup without Jeffrey Archers assistance. 1988 Frank Bruno fights Lenny Henry for the Heavy weight British Black man your granny likes title at the Dudley sports centre. Carl Lewis is stripped of his one minute mile gold medal after his shoes fail a random drugs test at the Seoul Olympics. In addition Fireships and emergency crews were still battling to tame the blaze at the Piper Laurie rig in the North Sea last night. Disaster struck at the off shore installation on bonfire night while the crew were blowing out the candles on a cake for the 78 year old skipper Mr Gordon Bannett before a barbeque and fire eating competition. The cause of the blaze remains a very easy to solve mystery. 1989 In Tianenmen Square a Chinese tank crew faced a student armed with a dangerous looking plastic bag. They kill the student in self defence. Mother Teresa steals four nuclear submarines, threatening to start World War three unless she is paid US 48bn to build a music therapy centre in Bangladesh. Her Mr 10% Jeffery Archer was not available for comment from his mansion in the Cayman Islands 1990 Newly freed ANC leader Nelson Mandela returned home from his 27 year prison sentence only to discover that he had left his television on. Nelson told reporters “there it was blaring away in the corner, I must have forgotten to turn it off in all the excitement of my pending arrest. You’d have thought that Winnie would have turned it off but she always was an idle whore,” he added. The whole nation watched with bated breath the World cup semi final with Germany. After a lacklustre start Gazza was booked for crying like a girl. Sadly things went from bad to worse with the penalty shoot out. The first four penalties were put away until we were cheated again in the second finals in row when the hand of god reached down and flicked Chris Waddle’s kick over the bar to put England out of the competition. The Germans went on to meet the Argies in the final but unfortunately someone had to win 1991 Waite is released. He gets home to find his TV still on, although he misses the first seven minutes of Lovejoy. Boris Yeltsin wakes up with his head in a pink stripy plastic bag and a hammering headache convinced he is the President of the Russian Republic. John McCarthy is released. The longest held British captive in the Lebanon. He too arrives home to find he had left the TV, iron and the central heating on, and over 9,500 messages on his answering machine, and 5000 pints of rancid milk on the doorstep. And of course this was the year that the Gulf war kicked off whilst I was marooned in Brunei with a fistful of other expatriates. Premier George Bush the 68th launched the attack to prevent the US Army’s missiles and bullets falling out of their use by dates. He quoted that we have to use them in the Gulf because it’s sunny unlike Yugoslavia where it rains a lot. 1992 Entertainer Roy Castle undergoes an operation to remove a malignant trumpet removed from his mouth. The Royal family were counting the cost or we as taxpayers were for the fire that destroyed Windsor Castle. Did the man from the Pru investigate to see whether or not there policy docs were in order, no F***** chance. Emergency crews raced to the scene only to find the Queen with Equerry sitting on the front lawn in diamond strapped slipper sipping tea. When the blaze was put out fire investigation teams traced the source of the fire to no other than Princess Margaret. Chief Fire officer Dennis Tender told us “ what with all that booze and rich food in her system, her majesty is a grade one fire risk. She must have gone up like a firework, Banger etc etc see you Roddy. 1993 Michael Jackson is finally accused of child abuse. To raise money to pay his tax bill and the new insurance premium on Windsor Castle, Prince Phillip opens his allotment shed for the first time to the prying eyes of the public. The public for the first time viewed his range of plant pots, Charles included and his collection of pornography wildly tipped to win the booker prize for total fiction. Monica Seles has been cautioned after several players complained that they were put off their strokes by the repeated grunting sounds she made each time she got stabbed by an obsessive fan. Jeffrey Archer denies being at that championship at all, apparently he was with boring Bob Willis coaching the English top five on how to play and miss. Next ten years will be in January’s issue along with news and views from the SA tour. Finally, we all at the Navy HQ, wish us all at the Navy HQ a very merry and happy Christmas along with a BARMY new year. See you in SA Hannibal ha ha ha ha ha are you going over as sea freight FOB. Should be fun, See you all in Durban and Cape Town Lord Peely, Now being pursues by Jeffrey Archer, Prince Phillip, Prince Charles, and Michael Jackson. September 2004 WASHBOARD UPDATE. THIS MONTH IT IS A TOTAL FOOTBALL THEME AS I WARM UP FOR THE TRIP TO SA. TRY THE COMPS ATTACHED
(* THEY MAY DO YOUR HEAD IN?? Are you Glenn Hoddle? Score 10 pts for a) 3 pts for b) & 0 pts for c). The scenario - Despite never having won anything in your managerial career you have somehow bagged a top job with your former club. The fans love you & you have the full backing of the board. Now play on ... Q1 - The board has made some transfer funds available but not as much as you would like. Do you ...? a) Surprise everyone with your deep footballing knowledge by unearthing several cheap gems from the Portuguese U21 squad & pick up a couple of skilful Brazilian misfits on frees & by clever man management transform them into team players. b) Blow the lot on two decent 1st team players to cover the major deficiencies in your team. c) Scour eastern Europe for 3rd rate economic migrants & rack up the clubs wage bill by recruiting geriatric has-beens. Q2 - Your club's record signing - a proven international striker - has failed to gel with your team. Despite looking brilliant alongside his pacey & quick-witted partner when knocking your hated local rivals out of Europe he has failed to deliver when paired with the slow & clumsy strikeforce yo currently possess. Do you ...? a) Try him out alongside the pacey & quick-witted striker your director of football has just managed to sign. b) Decide he'll never adapt to English football & sell him as soon as possible therefore recouping GBP4-5M you can use to buy a striker you do rate. c) Crush his morale by bringing him on as a substitute then subbing him again when not injured, then stick him in the stiffs until his market value has withered to nothing, before finally sending him to Turkey just as the club is pushing for a place in Europe. Q3 - Your club has for several seasons had the worst injury problems in the premiership. Do you ...? a) Get rid of some of the older & more injury prone members of the squad replacing them with players with good injury records & conduct a thorough review of the training & physiotherapy routines at the club to try to get to the root of the problem. b) Sack the physios & bring in a couple of players as cover. c) Buy more aged & injury prone players & use it as an excuse for the club's poor performances. Q4 - Due to injury your club has a shortage of strikers. Do you ...? a) Pre-empt the problem by signing a replacement in the transfer window & giving some of your promising youngsters some 1st team experience as 2nd half substitutes. b) Hang on to what you've got & hope to ride out the crisis. c) Get rid of two of your experienced strikers & play a central defender in attack giving you a strike force that is slower than a council worker on bank holiday overtime. Buy an average Japanese stopper to play in the reserves. On no account give any of the youngsters a look-in. Q5 - The season ends with a series of humiliating defeats. Team morale is at an all time low & the fans have thrown their season tickets on to the pitch in disgust. Do you ...? a) Ritually disembowel yourself on the pitch at WHL draping your entrails over the four corner flags. b) Maintain some vestiges of dignity by apologising to the fans & then departing to a job more suited to your talents like Iraqi minister of information. c) Deny there is any problem. Blame the team's poor performances on bad refereeing, injuries, evil pixies or some such shít, & look forward to leading them to relegation next year.
How did you do? 40 - 50 pts - Pathetic. Your mismanagement & scapegoating abilities are way below that expected at the Lane. Píss off to Newcastle or Everton where you belong. 20 - 39 pts - Some promise, but you really need to work on your arrogance & disdain. Wearing blinkers & imagining your players covered in excrement might help. 3 - 19 pts - You're almost there! Just a bit more practise ... try telling a handicapped child that God is punishing them because they were Hitler in a former life. 0 pts - Congratulations! You are Glenn Hoddle!
August 2004 Where’s me washboard monthly update If found please return to its proper owner, we tend to think it belongs to Sell By, we have also found a rather old broom which has been used as a travelling tool Yes I am injured, bumped and bruised, stitched up but still ok August is the month in history where we relate to the glorious twelfth. Did anyone hear it mentioned this year probably not, this was mainly due to the excitement procured by the England cricket team whilst completing the whitewash or should I say blackwash. Please don’t sensor me editor. And how they have performed, I would like to make a comparison with the England namby pamby football team. A team of individuals, who cannot think on their feet, make instant decisions or have the respect of the nation. They do however have the respect of their bank managers whose coffers are forever filed with vast quantities of dosh on a more than regular basis. So what does the average test cricketer earn? Having trawled the ECB web site and made several phone calls I can reveal, from the horses mouth that the average test cricketer earns in excess of 100k per year. Notice that I said per year not per month, not per quarter yet these individuals can captivate the nation producing household names in the process. Just how good is this outfit. I mentioned in the July update that we could only beat what’s put in front of you. It would have been easy for this present England team with the selectors to make changes to the team for the last test at the Oval. Why, well the series had been won, a great opportunity to blood new talent. Because of injury, Ian Bell got his chance and as we know looked the business. No, we only make changes when we have to and quite right to, in my opinion the Windies had this coming after the bombardment suffered against the likes of Marshall, Holding, Garner.Croft, Walsh and Ambrose in years gone by. The only rest bite we would get was when Roger Harper was called on to bowl. How kind of them, what a nice gesture. Well I am from the hard-nosed section of the sporting public and totally agreed with England policy. Tony Greig once famously said he would make them grovel, well if he was watching he would have certainly had a beer on the side’s achievements. And so to the ICC Trophy. Why oh why was this competition arranged for the late September rainfalls. Taken, that if we had had it in August we would not have had a competition to write about. 10.15am starts, what next I must interrupt this bulletin to provide you with this statement form the cricket authorities in South Africa Rain Delays There will be no rain days for the Tests Should rain hamper play then the test match is washed out and points shared Refunds There are no refunds for rained out days and tests finishing before 5 days This is the risk the supporter takes when purchasing a package for the test. His advantages are >He has all 5 days tickets with him, and therefore no delays in purchasing tickets on the day >He gets the best seats in the house > He retains the same seat for the test > He is guaranteed of a seat should there be a sell out All of the above are the benefits of a package We at the NCU cannot guarantee the duration of the test The weather conditions may or may not hamper playing conditions There is a clause in the terms and conditions behind the ticket: "' No refund or exchange shall be made for any reason whatsoever. In the event of the postponement of the match this ticket will be valid"' ENGLAND vs. SOUTH AFRICA CRICKET SERIES – TICKET ORDER FORM
Company: ____________________________________________________________ Name: ____________________________________________________________ Designation: ____________________________________________________________ Tel: _____________________ Fax: ______________________________ Postal Address: ______________________________________________________ Email: ____________________________________________________________ Signature: _____________________ Date: ______________________________ Kind Regards Ed Hill MD – Edusport Travel ENGLAND vs SOUTH AFRICA Thank you for the interest expressed in purchasing tickets at NEWLANDS. We are committed to ensuring that international visitors to Newlands have access to privileged seats in the ground and with this in mind we have pleasure in forwarding tickets prices and information regarding seat locations.
Match Date and Ticket Prices
Test, 2nd – 6th January 2005, starting time 10h30
One Day International, 6th February 2005, starting time 10h00
Location of Seating Grass Bank – Planes Enclosure in the Third Man / Fine Leg area. Unreserved seating - NO SHADE Temporary Stand – Planes enclosure, a temporary stand will be erected behind the grass bank of the Planes Enclosure in the Third Man / Fine Leg area. The Barmy Army have been allocated an area on the grass banks in front of the stand but will have no access to the stand itself. The stand will accommodate a maximum of 2000 persons and please note there is no shade. The Temporary Stand will only be erected for the Test. Railway Stand - FULLY BOOKED – Test only The majority of England Supporters will be accommodated on this stand. Situated square of the wicket a percentage of the seating on the Railway Stand is under cover (shade cloth). The trees also provide limited shade but please be aware that NOT ALL seats will be in shaded areas. Catering and refreshment points, including a “friendship tent”, will be set up in an adjacent area for the exclusive use of those seated on the Railway Stand. Corporate Hospitality Club – FULLY BOOKED – Test only There are two Private Clubs which will be allocated to those wishing to purchase Corporate Packages. For the individual who is prepared to pay a little more for additional facilities and comfort. Catering will include morning and afternoon tea, and a light finger lunch on Match Days. Fully stocked and services bars will be provided but all purchases from the bar will be for the individuals own account. PLEASE NOTE THESE SEATS ARE LIMITED AND SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY Private Suites – FULLY BOOKED – Test and ODI Tickets referred to in this correspondence are currently available for purchase and carry an advance purchase premium. As mentioned in previous correspondence, the remaining covered seating in the ground is occupied almost entirely by season ticket and debenture seat holders. General ticket sales will open in early October and you are at liberty to contact the WPCA Ticket office once bookings open. Tickets will also be available on line at www.sacrickettickets.co.za. Please note tickets are limited to 4 per person when booking on line or with the WPCA ticket office. Please do not hesitate to contact us should you require further information or assistance. Kind regards Gwen Johnson Telephone 00 27 (0) 21 674 4420 / 00 27 (0) 21 657 2081 Facsimile 00 27 (0) 21 674 4479 Mobile 00 27 (0) 821 801 6223 E-mail stogwen@mweb.co.za / stoadmin@mweb.co.za ROBBIN BASTARDS Crids thanks for the info posted on the site. It just goes to show how we could be bloody robbed. Be careful shipmates and make your choice accordingly. Stitches out today, I can now start to drink again. Bye for now LORD PEELY July 2004 No I have not disappeared off the planet, no I have not decided to join the Army, no I have not joined the fellowship of stewarding i.e. Leeds etc, it just simply that it is, was, has been the holiday season. Bollocks, I know but that’s my excuse. Leeds Leeds Leeds Where do you start to dissect the behaviour of the stewards? I hope and I pray that this article, based mainly on Leeds and their activities will help shed some light on where these neathanderal men come from, how they get them selves worked up so easily, how they can live there lives knowing that they have fucked up someone’s big day. Lets put it all into perspective. We the Navy had planned these outing months in advance. The Ramsgate quads had planned and made a huge effort to travel up so far up the country. We all booked accom in Leeds, for future booking please see Amy, we partook in beers, food etc adding something to the local economy. The bar staff didn’t mind us being there, the restaurateurs didn’t mind that we were there. The ECB certainly didn’t mind us being there. So how come can a few prats upset so many. Apart from our entire goings on the one thing that sticks out in my mind was the diver and his flippers. If anything sums up the brain cell deficiency in the stewards it was that episode. We have all by now dissected the relative values of the Wavy Navy flag. Cridler and I met at the ground at 09.30hrs to place the flag up etc, only to be accosted by not only the big headed stewards but also by two overgrown apes who were advised by the stewards to keep an eye on us. They could not take away from us what a great day it was or should I say three. Once again Sell By found his way into several beds during the stay. How the hell does he gain entry to these rooms? I awoke to find him curled up next to Kylie and me. Kirsty was flat out on the other bed yet Sell By chose the sleep with us. Mental or what Of course the Ramsgate quads had to show the adorning criminal fraternity how to enter your room by not using the stairs. I believe that there are pics to confirm this event Perhaps they didn’t want to see the landlord who incidentally falls into the category of people not wanting us there. He would have been an ideal steward, ignorant bastard. Congrats to one and all on T-Shirt designs etc. Cridler has had an email from a group placed in front of us who had a brilliant time and thanked us for our input. It was and will go down as a great effort by one and all. This was confirmed whilst at Trent Bridge for the next test. I met up with all the big wigs of the Army including Hannibal Lector. They all agreed that what we were doing has credibility. They don’t even like Hannibal, as his comments reference the Navy has provoked anger from within the Army. And yes I did have a word with him. Enough said. But what an outfit England are becoming. Don’t get me wrong the Windies are not the force they once were, but you can only beat what’s put in front of you. The interest now in the up and coming tour to South Africa is immense. So if you’re thinking of going get in quick. My particular tour is now fully booked up. Oh and by the way some wanker crashed into me on the way to Manchester more on that in the August update. That’s all for now. Once again my apologies for the lateness. Lord Peely Now seeking solace in a porn movie
June 2004 Hi gang, yet another instalment. I have had an incident folks and one which has made my blood boil, you see I decided to go to Worcester to avail the Wavey Navy to the unsuspecting midland cricket public. Whilst there I encountered, yes you’ve guessed it, a staunch Barmy Army member decked out in his rather expensive West Indian victory T Shirt. Needless to say I was wearing the latest Wavey Navy T Shirt resplendent with the term why join the Army when you can join the Navy. This chap for some unknown reason took umbrage with dialogue on the back of the T Shirt, suggesting that we had bullied our way into the cricket supporter’s front in Sri Lanka. This my Wavey’s and Wavettes is the current on going theme coming from the majority of the BA. I duly questioned this buffoon and asked what proof he had of the said events. Apparently it is common knowledge that we upset them big time with our violence. Yes violence, what a load of F***** crap I replied, but he was adamant, this was duly confirmed by Neath who whilst at one of the test matches in the Windies witnessed these comments for himself But this twat at Worcester was also adorning a Manchester United shirt underneath his BA shirt, that was it, red rag to a bull etc. So not to be out done I arranged a competition for all die hard Manc fans, most of which will go along with my comments below although, of course they won’t admit it. 1/ Do you come from Manchester? 2/ Do you have any relatives in Manchester? 3/ Have you ever been near Manchester? 4/ Do you live near Manchester? If you can only answer no to these questions then you are the ideal person to become a Manchester United Fan. Yes this your big chance to join the ever growing army of sad bastards who can be seen around most sporting grounds in Britain in the colours of Manchester United. Please indicate by next months Washboard update whereabouts in the UK Manchester is. In the unlikely event of there being two correct answers forcing a tie, I ask that you complete the form below. Tie breaker (in no less than 15 words) THE ONE THING THAT TURNED ME INTO SUCH A SAD BASTARD THAT I FEEL IT NECESSARY TO FOLLOW A FOOTBALL TEAM THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONNECTION WITH IS…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… NAME…………………ADDRESS AGE………MENTAL AGE………………. YOU COULD WIN ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES 1st Prize Brand new “L” REG ford band wagon for you and the others to jump on. This prestige vehicle comes with many features such as, stereo radio (pre set to come on at 16.45hrs every Saturday, as of course you wont be at the game. 2nd Prize Twelve months supply of Manchester United shirts (these shirts will dispatched to you weekly) 3rd Prize A complete set of Manchester United programmes from all of the games you have attended (both will be sent in the same envelope) You see, I see an occurring theme and similarities between the attitude of Manchester United fans and the BA, CAN YOU???????????? They all have a band wagon They all have the shirts Their test match attendance is questionable Don’t get me wrong I am not knocking the die hard fan and there are a few of them, but if these individuals continue to fabricate comments ref our attitude then I am afraid I will really start to kick arse in the update and believe me I will if the need arises. Leeds and Nottingham special coming up Bye for now Lord Peely May 2004 Iraq is ruled by a monster and we trash the country. Zimbabwe is ruled by a monster and we all ponder whether to send a team and play cricket against them?????? Poor old Saddam Hussein must wish that Iraq played the beautiful game. Do you know I have taken a close look into some of the rhetoric coming out of people’s mouths as regards the Zimbabwe subject? Sitting on the fence or what, for instance this was said about the issue noted. “A neat point made in the Independent and a reminder that hovering over this month for the game is a large chunk of cumulo nimbus. Few things in life are simpler than moralising without the responsibility for the consequences” Mmmmmmmmmmm any one seen the washboard well I am sure that Mugabe and his murderous tyrants have to date loaned this board from its last inhabitants the revered BA. How the hell can we as a great cricketing country be liable to a fine of in excess of one million pounds when the cricketing authorities, and I use that term loosely, cannot and will not make a decision? What has Robert got on these nameless souls? Each individual from the government to the Cricketing elite stay frighteningly silent on this topic. Well I say shame on them, England should not go to Zimbabwe full stop, instead as a token gesture we will send Hamil Hamzar to play Hook in the local Harare thespian studio of Captain Hook Why oh why do the Aussies continue to tour there along with everyone else. The latest is that the ZCU has sacked all of the so-called rebels. It’s a bloody mess and one as I have said before; should not get involved with it. And so on to our proposed event in Leeds. Well gang its full steam ahead and steady as ye go. Aims has the Accommodation sorted, thanks Aims, we have located a decent T Shirt firm see Cridlers note. All in all we will have xx at the test match. Cannot print the figures, as this will alert the brooding BA to our inherent success. With Aims, Cat and Kirstie in mind I would like to finish with a true story from Lords in relation to Women’s cricket. This is quite astounding considering we are in the year 2004 In 1998 the MCC finally decided to allow women to become members. A result you may think of, continued lobbying, letters, complaints, harassment charges, you name it, its been made against the stone wall gents at the said organisation. The reason they capitulated was this. They for once were held to ransom by, not the Women’s Lib, not the government at the time and not the PC brigade. No they were held to ransom by the Lottery committee who in there wisdom offered Lords a substantial amount of lottery cash to re develop the ground on the promise that Women would be allowed to become members This was a deeply symbolic move, which questioned other cricketing authorities that their main pavilion should not be a bastion for the blazer and moustache brigade. And to cap this there is a young South African girl called Johmari Logtenberg who according to her coach is better at the age of 15 years than both Herschelle Gibbs and Daryll Cullinan were. And finally in the month that my beloved Arsenal lift the premiership, Millwall lift the FA Cup, Telford United go out of existence and Margate get their new ground sharing option with Gretna Green. 19 nights South Africa for £ 1995-00 and you don’t have to pay a membership fee of £ 45-00 to get this deal. They make me sick. See you all in Leeds come hell, rain, sun, snow, women, more women, Lion beer, Stella beer, a cheeky gin and T for Sell By (Gadget), this is going to be one hell of a party piece. Bye for now Lord Peely who has just been summoned to the beer tent at Chester races. wWhat a life Where for art though Sell By Peely April 2004 April is here at last and how we business man just love it. Reams of the preverbal garbage to return to our erstwhile friend the TAX MAN. Who the bloody hell is this bloke. He is the bain of all like-minded individuals yet he is not answerable to anything we may pose Well it just happens that I think he has the washboard, and advertises DAZ on the TV. Enough of this, what about the events unfolding in the Caribbean. This has been a series that many will not forget in a hurry. Just image taking in all of the test matches and witnessing the destruction of the 1968 myth and replacing it with the promise of more to come, however enter stage left probably the only batsman on this planet capable of scoring 400 runs in one test match innings. I bet you all along with me upon watching the first part of his innings had a third sense telling you, there’s something special going to happen here. His sheer determination, shot selection, concentration and above all a total bloody mindlessness to the events of the previous three test matches, allowed BC to formulate this innings and sit by the side of the great Bradman as the only two batsman to have hit triple centuries twice in test match cricket. Strangely so they both achieved this feat on the same grounds, Bradman at Leeds and Lara in Antigua. This is a remarkable fact. These items alone allow one B.C.Lara to stand out alone in the cricketing annals of history. I raise my glass to this master with total and utter respect. But you know this test series has been not only totally different on the field as off it. I listen as I no doubt do all of you to Talk sport, I have been doing so for 5 year now listening as the station as evolved or shall I say allowed to evolve because of the dithering idiots who run the BBC. What the hell do we pay our license fee for? Don’t get me wrong Talk sport are good but not as good as Blowers and his crew, agree? Well it got me thinking on the merits of Talk sport covering for the first time a tour of the Caribbean. Yes I know they undertook the last test series in South Africa but true to my demeanour I have thought about the following: - In Antigua on Easter Sunday the churches would have been full, the Windies are playing England and yet history is still being made. Well you say history was surely made in Barbados when England took the third test by eight wickets and therefore won the their first test series in the Caribbean for 36 years. You’d be correct but another milestone was achieved through the medium of radio. This is the first cricket tour undertaken by England whose ball-by-ball coverage is reaching the ears of people all over the world, not via the BBC but commercial radio, the aforementioned Talk sport. For you mathematicians the total listening figures for Talk sport is as small as Radio three. The BBC used to have this items all to themselves but is now confined to brief updates on Radio five live and a nightly roundup on Radio Four. As I have mentioned above this is not the first time the station has covered the England cricket team overseas but it is the first to go out not just on Analogue but digital as well thus allowing listeners to keep up with events through the medium of the internet. So just how well have they done? Well they had a shaky start in Jamaica, slightly better in Trinidad and quite superb in Barbados, but note I think not as polished as the beloved Test match special. Commentrywise we have Chris Cowdrey and Mark Nicholas both as you are all aware former professional cricketers, but and there is always a but there is an Achilles heal, weak link whatever you like to call it. TONY GRIEG. Unfortunate as it is, as he is the apparent leader of the team out there and its most famous member and a past England captain (Grovel and all that)????? His voice is not English by any form, Greig born in South Africa lived in England then pissed off with Packer to Aussie, that I know was not his fault however if you listen closely he refers to listeners on the radio as viewers and does he repeat himself I said and does he repeat himself, (Thank you Fred Elliot). When the Windies were 45-2 he asked Wayne the pain Daniel formerly of Barbados and Middlesex (poor thing) whether he could recommend something extra special tonight before they moved on to Antigua. They had enjoyed the pools and restaurants of Barbados, but what about that something extra special tonight, I did wonder what he had in mind thinking back to the heady days of Innsbruck and all that. But Daniel as boring as usual played it with a straight bat, which incidentally he never managed to do in his five years at Lords. Daniel did mention a nice quiet bar where you could get a nice rum and coke, for Christ sake this is the Windies you know wake up. Well Greig then repeated this three times on air within one of his broadcasting spells. When the series is over Talk sport will have shown, despite its rough edges that it can handle a tour as good or at least rivalling the BBC. It now wants the contract for the tour of South Africa this coming winter. This summers test matches against the Kiwis and the Windies will be covered as always by the BBC ball by ball It was all good fun and by the way get your money on Sussex again to lift the championship, I’ve just had £20 on them at 8-1, work that one out. Keep the articles coming, spoke to Aims the other day and the diary will be ready soon from the toon. Take care Navy gals and boys Speak to you next month Yours in cricket Lord Peely (Bird brain of Borneo) trying to get a contract with Talk sport March 2004 First of all, we all wish a safe journey and a bloody good time in the Windies to all of our lads and Wavettes. Please see if you can catch a word with Hannibal for me. STOP PRESS AT THE TIME OF WRITING 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 47 There is nothing better to a true England supporter than seeing our team doing well, especially in a back yard that notoriously is difficult to win in. I kind of like the apology the Windies cricket board has offered to its supporters. Strange one really. I watched all of their glum faces during that great morning session, but they will do well to remember the severe beatings they have dished out in the past and not an ounce of sympathy to go with it. As we all know where to find sympathy, do we not?? Would it surprise one and all if I commented that the Washboard has re appeared only to disappear again in great haste. Its brief appearance took place, so I am informed, in Jamaica where our heroes are undertaking their West Indies mission. It was being used to apportion T-shirt prices with a price hike indicative of the current ticket cost. Shame on the individuals who took this opportunity to blatantly rip off their own folk. I attempted to revisit this situation with a off the record telecon with Mr. B. “Mr.B, why are you hiking up the cost of merchandise to such an effect that you will lose, if not careful, prospective clients” “Well it like this Mr.P, after a period of x years without realising some of the profits I was forced, under market conditions I add, to impose an increment to prevent my lifestyle from floundering” “You mean to tell me Mr.B that you have never realised any of your assets whilst trading for x amount of years” “Of course not don’t be silly” “Pray tell me Mr.B how on earth have you survived for a period of x years without realising some of your assets” “Mr.P off the record, it would have been quite impossible to not have taken an appreciation within the period mentioned” “Mr.B how are the sales of merchandise going” “Mr.P they are going fine, to date we have entered new and interesting areas of sporting interest” “ Mr B are you allowed to elaborate” “Of the record Mr P of course” “Your new areas of interest are” “Skateboarding, marbles, fives, rackets, Boules and tiddlywinks, you see Mr P we have introduced unsuspecting sports to our portfolio, no stone unturned Mr.P that’s our motto” “Whilst I appreciate your comments Mr. B I personally think their a load of garbage, all designed to flummox the true supporter” “Mr. P, Flummox, one of our new sporting categories” “Mr.B have you looked up recently the meaning of your identity, let me follow up with the latest update from thesaurus” Pig headed bonehead with a sweat shop in Lanka. You see how easy it is and not a mention of 80 seats on a charter flight. Leeds accommodation requests I spoke to my legal advisor the other day to discuss the sleeping arrangements for the forthcoming trip to Leeds. I was duly advised to include for any sea fish that may or may not be in the region at the time. Subsequently we have a two bed roomed room complete with fish tank. Seriously, Aims is looking at the accommodation for Leeds get you numbers in, by the looks of the forum I think we all have. Kylie has requested a room with a hat stand. The Ramsgate quads (trio) have requested a lada for they’re out of hours nosh, pardon the pun. An additional bed has been made available to exercise the libidos prevalent at the time of writing An additional wardrobe has also been included due to the various disguises attempted whilst on a trip. Poor old Shane has requested a first aid cabinet due to the severe bruising he got from five bellies in Lanka Bobby Robson and Alan Shearer have requested a room with a view. The view being the bar area of the said establishment. Short tours of the city are available inclusive of lunch, rings and elephant memorabilia. Owen Glendower has requested a cushion to break his fall from grace when the Lions from Cold Blow lane get dumped out of the FA Cup. And the list goes on and on and on. Finally, I’ve been doing some thinking on the Greg Jetski case and have come to the final conclusion. Everybody has missed the point about Greg’s drugs test. Surely the ATP should be stressing that if Jetski did have the performance enhancing drug nandrolone in his system albeit unwittingly, then he provides proof positive that it doesn’t work. Speak to you all in April when I will predict who will win the county championship Not long till Leeds get your costumes up and ready Lord Peely who is dead chuffed because Telford beat Salop last night. February 2004 Still not found unfortunately. Still its valentine’s month, maybe it’s getting utilised by some desperate gent seeking solace I have just finished reading that awful pile of crap posted on the other web site concerning this year’s calendar. The writer by name of Hannibal Lector. This is the Feb update don’t get me wrong, however it has taken me a good month to attempt to derive some sense from the utter nonsense posted. I do believe that this fine example of the male species was spotted cavorting around the Lankan isle dressed like the proverbial English tourist abroad. Did you spot this mottled individual? Was he wearing socks with sandals? Does he knock on your door on a Sunday wanting to know why you’re not at church? Is he the missing link in the chain? This is dribble just like that bloody article. Maybe, just maybe Hannibal or what ever his name is should spend some time thrashing his maggot against the said washboard. Trusting that he will clean the weathered board for other uses etc. So in keeping with that other lot here for the first time is our calendar for the coming year. Can you spot the difference? Jan Arrange numbers for piss up. Feb Arrange numbers for accommodation Floor area booked for Sell By. Mar Finalise design for T-Shirts. Special sizes for Geordie boys. Apr First deposit for SA (charter flight) May First issue of T-Shirts to be made available, Jimmy has requested one? Rear Admiral not happy. June Pink day at Leeds, lose Sell By, maybe hijacked by the Army. July Pink day all over the place. Find Sell By Aug Interview on Sky reference Bumble and Co. Sept Pink day at Margate, Thanet council to attend. Sell By probably found by now. Oct Sell By’s engagement party to attend. Seafood on the menu. Nov Engagement party still in full swing, Darren pulls. Dec Warny allowed to play with us in Cape Town. Oh and by the way there is cricket lovely cricket. So what has happened within cricket in February’s past, how about this lot? 1/ Jan/Feb 1933 BODYLINE. Douglas Jardines troops dish out what we would all like to dish out to the Aussies now. A good pasting. Diplomatic relations were soured. Changes in the laws were made. All because they lost. Bob Willis contemplates a broadcasting career. 2/ Feb 1981 JACKMAN AFFAIR. Jackman joined the WI tour after boring Bob Willis strained a throat muscle whilst actually praising England. He was then refused entry into Guyana because he had played in South Africa. 3/ Feb 2000 MATCH FIXING. Hansie Cronje admitted receiving money from bookmakers during an ODI.Subsequently the Pakistan side were implicated and bans put in place for Wasim and Mushtaq.Bob Willis paid by the bookmakers to praise England. 4/ Feb 2003 ZIMBABWE. England had to forfeit this game due to the incompetence of the Cricket board that in their wisdom could not find it within their nature to make a decision. England forfeited the match. Bob Willis wants to know if the cricket board is in fact the lost washboard. And finally. WASHBOARD TEST MATCH SPECIAL The Wavey Navy have lost the toss and taken to the field, The Barmy Army assuring then their fate’s as good as sealed King Warny has failed a fitness test-his spinning fingers cracked; His side, it seems, will surely need a giant killing act. Their callow quickie Ian faces his most rigorous exam, His only prior victim was a sacrificial lamb. Yet, undismayed, Rear Admiral is now stripping off his fleece, Determined to curtail The Army’s tenure at the crease. There’s no short leg, no slip, no point; they may well live to rue it. The only visible gully has Lager running through it! But fifty thousand deep mid ons in strict defensive role Advance in circumspection, The Rear Admiral comes into bowl. His run ups quite impressive, quite a stuttering approach. Good grief the lads a slinger, has he never had a coach? A rank full pitch, the batsman hooks! A curse unduly florid Accompanied by a thick top edge as it smacks him on the forehead. Young Rear Admiral rushes over, his anxiety to quell, He removes his giant helmet but his head comes off as well. There’ll have to be an inquest, this can never be condoned. Has the Admiral taken stimulants, or was Sell by purely stoned? The mood is turning ugly, there’s a fracas now in session, You can’t really blame our Welshman; he’s a harpist by profession. The Army are looking rattled; this could turn into a rout. We’re returning to Bob Willis until the troubles sorted out??
As we say what’s in a name, see you all in March. Innsbruck seeking Peely. (currently in litigation with Bob’s lawyers) see Sell By.
PS. Our wavey thoughts are with our Aimee, your not alone xx
January 2004 Still not found unfortunately, reports received to date have located the said instrument in several locations, those of specific interest include: - 1/ The finance department of the Thanet district council who in their infinite wisdom could close down Margate football club. The washboard has obviously been used to shield the council from making the correct decision. Shame on them. 2/ The emergency ward of that famous Indian hospital. Seriously we all hope Sell By will recover sufficiently to part take in our expedition to Leeds in the summer. Maybe as a show of strength we all raise a glass to him. 3/ The cricket pads of Matthew Hayden other wise known as wooden pads, who has never been out in his life. Cocky git. Good on the Indians for shutting them up. 4/ On the heads of some of our government ministers. Good god I thought they had more sense. A £5 fine for drivers to pay for the prats that the force cannot catch, what the hell is going on? Hoon the goon who should be immediately sent to Iraq and paraded around as a supporter of Saddam Hussein. This pompous prat who discards British soldiers lives like he owns them and to cap it off he refuses to apologies to the very families who have lost love ones. He really must have a piece of the washboard permanently lodged in what he classifieds as his brain 5/ In Greg Rudzeski’s medicine cabinet. He used the board to shread garlic after taking antiphontinecontiniioummonosodiumglutomateprozac the well known enhancing drug commonly purchased from any dodgy geezer in the West End who parades himself as a faith healer, maybe we should look into Super (Tiger) Tim Henman’s locker in February to attempt to spot the boards. Did I say February, how stupid of me he will be knocked out in January so I’ll make enquiries ASAP? By the way we drink Tiger beer out in these parts, I think you can get it in the UK. Tiger beer hits the spot and provides excellent service. Does Henman.Well what’s in a name. 6/ The Beagle has landed, unfortunately into a washboard super nova blackhole. The board as we all know was well used to blackholes having been used as a crampon-climbing device by gadgets desperate for a muff dive in Innsbruck etc. Need I say more? In any case, lets all pontificate on the master of our web site CRIDLER. Great job with of course more to come. The discussion forum is an ideal place to chat and to arrange dates etc. I hope you’ve all spread the word and get your pen pics in. We still need more and more nonsense to fill the site. Anything you feel fit send it and it will be sorted. We do have the other half worried, as said before But then again what’s in a name. See you with February’s update PEELY BIG DICK GUNNER. |
