Tests at Galle and Kandy

Prologue

Its Sunday 14^th December 20.30hrs at the pub Kandy. A long sort after watering hole for cricket fans and expatriates alike.

Imagine the scene. Twelve travelling cricket fans gathered after another lucky escape by the English team.

Nothing special you would think.

Rousing choruses of walking in a Peely wonderland followed by a rendition of we’re not the army, not the air force we’re the Wavey drunken navy.

Tuc Tuc arrives, a rendition of for he’s a jolly good fellow follows.

Does this mean anything to any one, you bet it does.

Tears tears you never seen anything like it. Let me take you back to the first test at Galle to give you an appreciation of the events, the people, the respect earned, the friendships made.

GALLE

Galle on a barmy morning, pardon the pun. After a lengthy flight direct from Heathrow through a day room in Colombo and finally after a days rest in Galle I find myself Arsenal towel in hand locating in the expensive 20 rupee-standing bank.

A few familiar faces join me having briefly spoken on the journey over. At this stage not a hint of what’s to come. We are overseen by the awesome looking fort to our right hand side

Rain Rain, During one of the sessions rain curtails play for a while. The lion has been flowing freely so much so that we decide to get the locals to sing some rather unusual ditties from their hiding place to the left and under cover.

“Who are you” “come on Shrewsbury” and “Wavey Navy” are replicated in perfect pigeon English, during this scene the coup de grais is formulated when a group of well weathered gents from Ramsgate decide to add purpose to the singing and apply a meaning to this embryo of a group.

There main focus is of course now well documented, the elite Barmy army.

Ingredients applied, the answer is to start a group called the Wavey Navy, a truly optimistic piss take which as we will see later on ruffled the feathers of the said named army fraternity.

Songs were then made up. The main chorus to be heard over and over again much to the amusement of the said crowds was we’re not the army etc etc. A flimsy attempt at a wave allowed the group to incorporate this as there call sign. A sign that was to be congratulated on numerous occasions by the doubting English public on their walks around the grounds during relative intervals.

How long have you planned this for was the main question. The truth is we didn’t.

The Ramsgate quads having travelled to Russia in a Lada passing through numerous ports of ill repute then really got the picture painted by designing ad hoc a tee shirt worthy of the Navy’s ensign its self. Further ideas were sort after under the tutor ledge of the Rear Admiral, himself a veteran campaigner of many expeditions in the past.

Much to the amusement of the baying crowds now surrounding this elite form of homosexuality further plans were made to liven up so to speak the rest of the Galle test and to really go for it at the Kandy test. A plethora of journalists and cricketing magazine hacks now descended on our group to glean whatever information they could get. You see the feathers were so sorely ruffled so to speak that the barmy army’s very own “Jimmy you’ve got a dirty bird” Saville was compelled to assist the prowling hacks with a sorry story of “I’ve seen it all before” “there’s no need for a splinter group” and best of all “Vaughany wanted to know why the army were not singing”? Basically Jimmy had got the bird with us after sampling his first Lion at 1600hrs.

But at Galle and a famous sing along in the Sydney hotel against the might of the Barmy Army proved a point that we could hold our own. A new rendition of Queers went down really well along with the teapot dance and a varied amount of innuendos. We were coming of age rather quickly.

Enter stage left the Geordie boys pet. Does anyone want expert advise on where to buy a genuine 1 carat ring complete with a free trip around Galle with the exciting prospect of providing a dialysis machine for the largest elephant in history. Ring any bells, by the way the ring found in one of our Sri Lankan Christmas crackers opened in Kandy held more expense than the acquired ring from Galle. We are at this moment in time trying to sign up a deal with a reputable sun cream manufacturer for Buddha as mentioned by the great beef Botham. Was it two bottles or three I can’t remember. It was a joy to see Buddha’s face when I turned up at their beach resort, which incidentally spurned another of the Navy’s songs, with the very driver who spun Buddha the carat ring yarn etc. Faced with a possible onslaught from Buddha the driver very wisely disappeared into the night. Again legal representation was at hand albeit face down in the sand.

A queer looking chap from Blackburn who genuinely had we think tendencies in the aforementioned direction. These tendencies were confirmed when on the last night at Kandy Dazzler dressed up in a neat tight fitting little number all for the man Russell who was celebrating his 42^nd birthday. It has since been confirmed and legalised by our legal rep that in fact Dazzler does in fact lick both sides of the stamp, bats for both sides and has a non return valve as a cat flap.

Conch shell man who to all intense was totally messed up in more ways than one. Welsh dragons adorned his torso along with the Millwall lion and other items. Followed by the great Owen Glendower this welsh beast led the call for the navy with a rendition of shell blowing rarely seen in these parts. He now chairs the Welsh department of culture and heritage for the Wavey Navy.

Toby the lawyer along with the Ellesmere college man who’s ability to keep returning to an event after leaving totally bombed out left all in awe.

But the coup de grass was the stage right for Sell By. What can one say about this cheeky chappie from London well I don’t know where he’s from, with his dulcet tones as my legal representative had most people convinced? Yes really convinced, just how or why I would employ Sell by as my legal representative when at all times during our stay he

1/ Never stayed in his hotel.

2/ Constantly forgot where his hotel was.

3/ An expert of the power nap

4/ An expert in the power sit down

5/ I’m just going for a sleep only to retire to the nearest bar for further libation.

6/ The ability to turn a Tuc Tuc into a four bed roomed luxury house complete with a four-poster bed.

7/ Talked in lawyer speak so convincing that sections of the Barmy army actually believed he was my legal representative.

8/ Entertained the local fraternity to such an extent that they actually requested his presence.

9/ Ian his sensible rep had not an idea of his brothers location which is quite strange really because nor did Sell By.

10/ Bartering with a tee shirt salesman in Kandy which must surmount to be one of the funniest moments I have seen for along while.

11/ Educating one of the soft drink sellers in Kandy to actually speak like Sell by in his lawyers speak.

Ian sell by’s charge de affairs. Whose knowledge of the problematic encounters with

Foot rot are legendary. His knowledge of the Sri Lankan bupa system so helpful as he

Rides side saddle in his chosen tuc tuc into the sunset of Innsbruck.

AND NOT A PRAWN IN SIGHT!!!!!!!

KANDY

“You’ll not see them tee shirts I’m telling you,” said Buddha. “You’ve been ripped off.” Enter stage left our man from Havana, damn wrong country, I mean Galle. Seven pink tee shirts neatly inscribed with the Wavey logo of drooped hand. Tee shirts designed and delivered to Kandy for all of £ 7.00. As we speak Sell by is issuing proceedings to sue this over paid tee shirt designer for providing Buddha with a Sri Lankan XXXXXXL that hardly fits.

Oh and we drew the first test JUST.

And so to the fun of Kandy a beautiful city set in the back drop of some impressive mountains, cooler then Galle but not by much.

The Pub. Where after each day we returned and quite by chance offered ourselves further libation to quench our thirsts after some adequate quaffing at the ground. Now then there are sing a longs and there are sing a longs. After trashing the Army with again our renditions of Queers etc the management of the said establishment requested that the throng quieten down both in voice and movement, why, because the floor was moving so much during our singing that the optics at the bar were moving at an alarming rate as witnessed by Sell by. Incidentally Sell By sighted this event on everyday of the test match singing or no singing. The management were concerned that if it carried on we would inadvertedly end up on the ground floor baking bread for the locals.

We like the game of scrabble so much so that the Ramsgate’s quads decided to offer the roving local Tuc Tuc drivers some easy money. Triple word score Fishy fiend with a body to die for but a head to just throw away. PRAWN. No one from the navy was to walk to the bar up the road where the army had laid on an exciting night of scrabble. We did it for 50 rupee others bombed into one tuc tuc and pushed the vehicle up the hill to the bar in question. Some member’s sort after air conditioned transport and paid the portly sum of 100 rupee to travel a distance of no more than 50 meters. Our very own tuc tuc expert Ian decided to show off his ice dancing technique by hanging out of the tuc tuc during transport offering movements of a degree of difficulty ranging from 3 to 7. Torvell and Dean would have been proud as he performed his triple solka, eat you heart out Alan Weeks.

Its been along held theory that if you come from Shropshire your strong in the arm but thick in the head or as requisitioned by the Ramsgate quads a gimp. To prove their theory a tracker was sent out to find sellotape. If you’re Australian please revert to the English meaning of sellotape. After duly finding the article the quads then demonstrated their artful prowess of wrapping someone up from head to toe in the said material and inviting a rendition of Queers whilst libating the person in question through the means of a straw.

Would you rather be playing scrabble, we would rather have a wrist drive, yes I said wrist.

Tortuous singing followed the troops everywhere we went including an après skiing trip to Innsbruck. A recce party of Sell by and Ian were sent by the Rear Admiral to explore and report back on quality cleanliness and above all cost. There is a train of thought that says if you want it, go and get it but for god’s sake go at a reasonable time not 03.00hrs. But after being de railed by the closure of the said premises Ian the now famous triple solka tuc tuc dancer decided to scale the perimeter fencing, Sell by followed we think and also the tuc tuc driver, only to find the establishment completely full of gadgets exploring the freedom of Kandy at 300 rupee per hour.

Needles to say Ian and Sell by persuaded the tuc tuc driver that the only safe place to sleep for the rest of the night (there wasn’t much of it left) was the tuc tuc drivers abode.

The next evening pleasures included Sell by decided to break dance in front of the army in their down stairs den of the pub. Well he broke himself for sure and decided to power nap on the floor whilst entangling himself with the cabling supplying the power supply for the projector. This shock of electricity transformed Sell by into George Foreman, with his lean mean punching machine, Sell by decided to offer one of the army a dose of pneumonia through a combination of Kandy air being detailed by the swish of Sell By’s left hook. A proud moment for Ian who as he turned saw Sell by gyrating into a triple solka before landing on the floor. Neil still thinks he’s done a good training job on Sell by after he’s own tuc tuc experiences.

Oh and Michael Vaughan got a ton.

In summing up the following observations were duly agreed.

The corridor of uncertainty is truly a place not to send Sell by or any other member of our elite force. Innsbruck does not have this facility.

The song sheets are in the latest magazine.

The army did not sell one tee shirt on the second day of the match.

80 seats on a charter flight.

Buddha got his ring and also acted out a role as a tuc tuc jacking point after the aforementioned vehicle conked out with the Geordie boys inside

Neil got his ring plugged to prevent any violation of the peace treaty currently being discussed by the Sri Lankan sewage department.

Toby went early as his endeavours with that famous Indian airline Air Masala to alter his itinery failed miserably. Toby of course will be fined accordingly at a later date.

Ellesmere college man slept with the airport. It really does make you wonder what a proper education does to human man. What what what.

Gary the lad from Watford, who really is all to blame for this situation we find ourselves in, as the original first article explained his wit or was it twit?

Kylie attempted to persuade the Admiral that he always packs his hat before going on holiday. The Rear admiral in his defence kept his rear end very closely affixed to any brick built wall when in the company of Kylie.

Shane just came on holiday to get himself bruised and battered by Buddha and to show the adorning public his impression of fat boy warne.

Ian’s operatic tendencies with the tuc tuc’s have earned himself a recall to the JCB international demonstration team.

Roger the conch man has now decided that inline with his tattoo’s he now supports

Mill lion dragon dower F.C. His conch is being cleaned as we speak by dyna rod

Russell aka tom yam has a fish farm in Thailand and we are all invited to extend our rods during a visit.

The rear Admiral and brother are now planning there next mission which to all extents borders on the impossible. No clue as yet but it does include Sell by and visiting the local monastery and dressing up accordingly, flying flags from the highest perch in Kandy, driving a vehicle full of glass as a favour for a tired local driver and re routing three times the route from the pub to Innsbruck looking for a wallet and getting a receipt for the Lada.

Sell by. Enough said

So as you see just a group of brits watching England oversees, nothing to exciting to report from the isle of Sri Lanka. Nice weather, good beer, good laughs, friendships made, situations created, situations extricated, web site set up, test match in England to look forward to and the little matter of South Africa in the winter.

We’re not the army, we’re not the air force we’re the Wavey drunken navy.

And we’re not going away.

Peely